Loss, Pregnancy, And Faith

My epiphany about why I feared losing this baby so much - and how God helped me grow from it.

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On Tuesday of last week I had a diagnostic ultrasound, and it was fantastic. Bean is healthy, heart is strong, and its facial features are starting to develop! It had been nearly a month since my last ultrasound, so I was very excited to see how the little thing was doing.

Everything was great, and I spent the rest of the day walking around with a dumb grin on my face. Joy radiated from me.

The next day started off well enough. I went to work and I was in a positive mood, still a little giddy from the previous day's events. Then it happened. I went on Facebook, and checked in on the pregnant moms group I'm a member of. One of the other members had posted about how she had previously lost a baby at 37 weeks, and how it was the most painful thing she's ever experienced.

The switch in my mood happened pretty much instantly. It was if a big, grey storm cloud arrived in an instant to blot out all the sunshine. Immediately the what ifs and scary scenarios started. "What if that happens to me?" "I've had so many bad things happen, why shouldn't this be another on the list?" "I couldn't go on if that happened to me. I would just completely give up." The darkness was heavy and persistent.

Right after work I went to my first midwife's appointment, which - up until a few hours prior - I had been really looking forward to. Now, though, it was as if my mind was on another planet. I tried deep breathing and praying and positive thinking, but it all seemed to be for naught. But I put on a brave face and tried to act like a present and happy person for the appointment, even though I felt like walls of scary possibilities were closing in all around me.

I had a brief moment of clouds parting when the midwife asked if I wanted to hear Bean's heartbeat. Up until that point, I had only seen the little flutter on ultrasound screens. I eagerly said yes, and the heartbeat was found fairly quickly. It was loud and strong and beautiful. But I still felt that dread.

I left my appointment, and the previously sunny day had given way to a blustery, grey one. I arrived home, and the rest of the evening was mostly a blur of sitting on the couch and numbing out. Finally, I decided to take a bath and read some of the more encouraging birth books on my Kindle. (As opposed to the scary ones full of terrifying statistics. Those have been banned!)

One of the books I've been reading is a Christian guide to pregnancy called The Pregnancy Companion: A Faith Filled Guide For Your Journey To Motherhood. During my reading I came across a story where one of the authors recalls a time when, at about 20 weeks, she thought her water had broken prematurely. She rushed to the hospital to find out that, in fact, she had peed a little when she sneezed. She wrote how she imagined God laughing from above, asking, "why won't you just trust me?"

I read that line and automatically blurted out loud  - to God, I guess - "because I can't handle another unexpected death!" and then, I sobbed. I sobbed hard, and I sobbed deep, ugly tears. I sobbed for my two cousins and my aunt who had all committed suicide. I sobbed for all the friends and acquaintances I had lost to overdoses. Hell, I probably sobbed for Prince and David Bowie, I let out SO much. Tears came until I exhausted myself, and then forced myself to take deep, soothing breaths before a panic attack started.

After I had calmed myself, I went to bed. While I was lying there trying to sleep (pregnancy insomnia is no joke), I kept getting snippets of a verse in my head, "behold, I am doing a new thing." Over and over it repeated in my head until I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning at about 6 (seriously, pregnant people keep strange hours) and decided to google that snippet, as I couldn't remember where it came from, and I wanted to know the context of the verse. So I entered "behold, I am doing a new thing" into Google and Isaiah 43:19 on Bible Gateway popped up. I went to the site, changed the version to The Message, and read:

“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?
There it is! I’m making a road through the desert,
    rivers in the badlands."

More tears, but this time tears of joy. I've realized that I often assume the worst because, many times, the worst has happened to me. And I have used a lot of those terrible things for good, allowing them to grow me into a more empathetic, wise person. But with this pregnancy, the fear was always there that God would allow another painful, unexpected loss in my life. Maybe so I could grow from it and be there for other people who experienced the same? But that just seemed cruel to me. Helpful to others, maybe, but when did I get a break? Maybe I thought that if I expected it I could prepare myself, or maybe it wouldn't happen? I don't know.

But then I read that verse. FORGET ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENED. This situation isn't those other situations. God is going to do something brand new. I read that and recalled my aunt's grandson giving me his congratulations and then saying something incredibly wise beyond his ten years, "our family needs this, we've had so much loss." Maybe this baby is a gift to an extended family who has had so many lives snatched from them?

I do know that, since then, this verse has brought me so much peace. And funnily enough, a day later, Facebook memories told me that I had posted that EXACT same verse two years prior. How cool is that?!

So I will tell myself: My baby is healthy. My baby is strong. My baby will survive. These are my new truths, made clear by a verse that I believe was a gift from God to bring me "a peace that passes understanding."

Maybe I AM meant to learn a lesson in this that will grow me, and that lesson is that God gives good gifts, and we have a choice whether we accept them with no conditions, or cautiously expect to have the wool pulled over our eyes. For my sake, and the sake of my unborn child, I choose the former.


  1. I had a stillborn daughter and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. You are so brave for sharing!

    1. I'm so sorry to hear that, Susannah. I hope that you are able to heal that part of your heart <3

  2. This really touched me . I have never lost a baby but i remember being so afraid when I was pregnant as the time they were talking about Zika and deformities and I am generally a nervous person . I had preeclampsia but through all that chaos it was a very happy moment in my life. This really could be applied to everyday life in general I love that quote . Forget about what happened . Living in the past steals today's joy . Just keep telling yourself everything will work out and it surely will !

    1. Pregnancy really is a stressful time, isn't it?! But you're right, it can be such a happy time, too. I'm going to focus on the happy!

      Thanks for sharing about your positive pregnancy <3 I need to hear more stories like that!

  3. No matter what happens, you stay strong and brave my love! ❤️ I know it's tough but better days are coming. Virtual hugs 🤗

    1. Thank you, Mabel! Hugs back to you, too <3

  4. Thanks for sharing your story! It's so hard, but I think it's cathartic. I had 2 losses before we had our rainbow twins. My twin pregnancy was filled with so much fear and anxiety due to our other losses, even though I knew deep down God was going to protect our boys. It is such a hard, hard journey - I would never want to relive those days. But I held on to 'weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning' and 'those who sow in tears, reap in joy!' Thank you for sharing!

    1. Ahhhh thank you for this comment and for sharing your story! I'm so glad that God blessed you with your twins, but I'm also so sorry for your losses. Thank you for those verses, too. There really is a good word for every season in life <3


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